Monday, June 1, 2009

Have a Laugh - The Bunker Memo

BAI NI PIRAHNA
OFFICE OF JOSEPH FRANK BAI
GOVT BUNKER 7422, MILITARY BUILDINGS, VEOVLES VITI
_________________________________________________

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

To all New Bhai's,

Subject: The Bunker (do not distribute outside the Organization)

Bula guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that visshion! However, while we continue to fight the non-believers for the rest of this year, we can't forget to take care of the bunker, and frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about methodist's missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our bunka. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the bunka daily.

I've done my bit on the cleaning - Teleni lazy arss .. have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the bunker reception (next to Aiyaz's halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a media address. But when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the Fiji's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride in the Pajero's in the background or keep doing the 'wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third - food. I bought a box of Rewa Butter recently. I clearly wrote 'Bai' on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Rewa slices were gone. Consideration - that's all I'm saying.

Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Methodist's bat and ball games. Please do not chant 'Bai, bai, bai, mosi, mosi, mosi' when I come past in my Hummer. Thanks.

Fifth - graffiti. Whoever wrote 'BAI FUCKS PIGGIES' on the group toilet wall - it's a lie. The pig backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the cliff-face at delainabua.

Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Teleni - the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the cliff-face' will not be accepted in future (with pigs, there is a grey area).

Finally, we've heard that there may be Ozzie soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Aiyaz, Mataitonga, Gates, Shysta and Lewammy.

Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Bai.

PS - I'm sick of having 'Bye Bed Linen' scribbled on my laundry bag. Sa yala eke - it's not funny anymore.

Sunday, April 26, 2009